Finding Myself While Getting Lost in the Woods

"I need to go to the woods!" I exclaimed in a work meeting, with a few friendly colleagues. The stress of a new year, new management company and new administration was tightening it's squeeze on what remaining sanity I already possessed. My co-workers were not surprised as they had been accustomed to my hippie, tree-hugger, off-the-grid antics such as solo backpacking, white water kayaking or rock climbing weekend adventures. Most thought I was bat-shit crazy. Some were jealous and have made comments about including them in my next adventure. But all of that didn't matter. All I knew, at that moment in time, in that meeting, I could feel myself needing an escape to the forest.

This wasn't my first escape to the woods. I had gone to the Adirondacks last Fall, with a yearning to escape the hectic life I was living at the time. I had gone back to the forest this past Spring, for a solo backpacking adventure in Shenandoah National Park, not only to find solitude but to prove to myself I could do it. Over the past year, every time I felt stressed, depleted, overwhelmed or not centered, I longed to be in the presence of  the forest. This time I knew I had some big girl issues, life decisions I had to reflect on and hopefully come away with answers or a sense of direction.

But why the woods? Why do I yearn to go to the woods to clear my head and find my center?

I reflected on this question, as well as my life decisions, during my short section hike on the Long Trail in Vermont. Talking about it with a few of my friends I had met while hiking and during my stay in Burlington, I was able to narrow it down.

Void of All Unnecessary Distractions:

Out in the backcountry, I am literally away from any kind of physical, mental or emotional distraction that is attached to me in my life. The surroundings are quiet and peaceful. I am not being questioned by students, talked at by administrators, and my to do lists stay at home. My whole focus is surviving and centering myself, finding serenity and joy and maybe finding answers.



Full of Necessary Distractions:

Being out in the woods with only a pack on my back, carrying the few essential items for my survival makes me realize how vulnerable I am. Any lack of judgement on the trail can cause me to sprain an ankle, get hypothermia, contract giardia, get lost, etc. all of which can be potentially dangerous and life threatening if not dealt with properly. Yet, despite the potential dangers and vulnerability, I find comfort in knowing that I am in charge of my survival. It's empowering.

Plus, the necessary distractions help channel my energy in a positive way. I'm a naturally anxious person, but my anxiety seems to disappear when I'm in the woods. My mind has no time to perseverate on the future, especially when the present has so much stimuli to process. Trail difficulty, careful footing, way finding, and just enjoying natural beauty forces me to live in the present moment.







Raw and Exposed

When I am in the woods, especially backpacking, I am the rawest, purest form of myself. I have nothing to hide behind. Literally nothing. My title, my job, my paycheck, my material abundance, everything I would use to define myself in society, none of those things matter out in the backcountry. What I do have is my ingenuity, resourcefulness, my character, and willpower. Although those things may be tweaked, perfected or strengthened over time, they essentially don't change. Some of the people I have met on the trail have seen me at my most vulnerable state sometimes leaving me to believe that they know me better than some of the people I interact with on a regular basis. Maybe the circumstance allows me to fully open up and disclose my dreams and fears. Or maybe because I feel that the other person in which I share a conversation is also exposed and at their purest form, I feel comfortable being myself.



Solitude:

One of my favorite quotes about exploring, and the general nature of explorers comes from David Grann's The Lost City of Z: A Tale of Deadly Obsession in the Amazon, where he quoted a member of the Royal Geographical Society, who stated "Indeed, some might say that explorers become explorers precisely because they have a streak of unsociability and a need to remove themselves at regular intervals as far as possible from their fellow men."

Maybe I do have that unsociable streak. Or, maybe, it is just the occasional desire to break free from everyday life, and enjoy the solitude that nature has to offer.


Self Discovery and Personal Growth

All of my adventures usually center around discovering something new, whether it be a location, a hobby or skill or discovering new people. The act of discovering is exciting as newness is attractive and appealing to me. Yet in all of my years of travel, I have not considered that while discovering a new place, hobby or person, I am also in the process of rediscovering myself. There are parts of me that get lost in the responsibilities of life. I neglect certain aspects of myself that need attention in order to develop. Yet, discovering something new, especially out in the woods, allows me to discover my desires, goals, my strength (both physical and mental) and determine my priorities in life.

So what did I discover while I was navigating the strenuous terrain, taking in the beautiful vistas and meeting enthusiastic hikers on the Long Trail?  First of all, I realized how content I was with myself. For the first time in my life, I liked myself, who I had become and where I saw myself going. I am on track to becoming the woman I always wanted to be, and always knew I could be. Part of this realization was knowing that I didn't need to rely on anyone else for my happiness. I am in control of my own happiness. Another realization I had, although I don't need anyone else, I want to find someone with whom I can share my awesome adventures and experiences. I'm not searching for anyone. That person will come into my life when the timing is right.

I have redefined my priorities to include strengthening my relationships with the people I love. I want to continue the relationship I have with my mother, relying on her as a friend and confidant. I also want to be there for her.  I hope to reestablish a relationship with my father, even though our history makes it overwhelmingly difficult as I will have to overcome emotional wounds. And I also hope to strengthen my relationships with my friends, and even open myself up to making new friends. For the longest time, I have kept people at a distance, scared to allow them to get close for fear of abandonment. I have realized that some of life's greatest joys come from having meaningful relationships with others and I hope to continue making and maintaining these relationships.

The final conclusion came as a result of living out of a backpack for four nights. I became very aware of all of the material items I do not need, but clutter my room, my house, or my car. I determined that I would stop buying items that were not a necessity and start purging unnecessary things. All of the money I save by not buying excess will go directly into new adventures. Having adventure be apart of my daily life is more important that any material item I buy. Plus, for each adventure I want to start writing about it, even documenting all of my past adventures. I think I have some interesting stories including having a ska clothing company in high school, and couch surfing/squatting around Europe. I have opened myself up to situations that I think people, on average, would shy away from.

My escape to the woods on the Long Trail, Vermont did provide the clarity and solitude I ultimately needed. The results of my excursion was far beyond anything I had expected. I'm hoping that I won't have to wait for that moment of weakness where I proclaim "I need to go to the woods!" to go on another adventure. Hopefully, more adventures to come in the more immediate future!